Chapter 7: The Hours After

They explained to me then that Nathan would be transferred to Cardinal Glennon Childrens’ Hospital across town. OK. He had a rough start. Information seemed to come in in bits and pieces and the hospital staff acted like I should already be aware of what had actually occurred. I would get to see him only for a moment before he was transferred. No, I wouldn’t get to hold him. I might get to touch him. He had been in desperate shape at birth. They’d had to give him blood. He’d need to have more. He’d had had to be aggressively revived.

After what seems like an eternity they brought Nathan to me. In an incubator box covered with wires and tubes. Wires and tubes going into him. His eyes were open and he was looking at me. I had to let them take him to Cardinal Glennon. Where he would recover. He looked so much like ET in the movie, that I immediately knew his middle name should be Elliot, like ET’s friend. After only a few moments they wheeled him out and took him away.

The staff was concerned about putting me on the maternity floor. I insisted it was alright. Didn’t I just have a baby? They then gave me pictures of Nate before he left the operating room. Pictures? What are they doing? What are they saying? I’d given birth 3 times before. Nobody had ever taken and given me pictures of my newborn before. A private room was arranged on the maternity floor and a perceptive nurse suggested that my family get something to eat and meet me there later. She turned to me after they left, saw my quivering chin and teary eyes and asked me if I wanted to be alone for a while. Incapable of speech, I just nodded and she left. I spent the next 45 minutes crying my heart out.

The rest of that day was a blur. People coming in and out. Drugs that did nothing for the pain. My children made sure I was never alone and always had someone stationed next to the bed to press the morphine button at the allotted time. Mostly they handled the calls too. All but one. My ex-husband’s sister delivered a baby girl that very same morning. Their family was all excited that Maddy and Nate were born on the very same day. They had no idea. It was one of the hardest phone calls I ever had. To hear that shock. And hear their bubble burst. I could see their faces through the phone lines. It was only the first time. I would see that look repeatedly in other people’s faces during coming days and weeks.