Chapter 11 – Forrest Gump

After a few weeks Jeff and the kids took me to the park. I held my belly and walked around part of the park. The next day I began walking my daughter to the school bus stop, about four blocks away. I would drop her off and then wander off. In no time at all I was walking several miles a day, sometimes not arriving home until after lunch. To this day I don’t know what came over me. But the walking was therapy. I walked. Just walked. Prayed every step of the way. Prayed for the way. Prayed for the strength to accept whatever my path was to become. I couldn’t deal with anything anymore and was forced to give it up to God. I knew the only way to get through my grief was to experience it. I knew it would take time. But it was too big and too deep and too tall to work through myself. I asked Mary to help me. I knew my life didn’t compare one whit to her’s, but she was a mother who had lost a son, and I had nobody else to turn to. She sent angels to carry me and a peace to envelope me. I could feel those angels holding me up by the arms and walking me through the miles. Nobody else ever understood the peace.

When I was conscious enough to witness other people on the streets with me I pitied them. Everyone racing here and there in an all important hurry, or trying to stave off the inevitable decline of the body. I found myself living in a totally different world than I ever knew. Suddenly I knew what was important, and it wasn’t anything I’d ever believed was important. These people didn’t get it. And why did it take something so awful for me to learn it? My son had to give his life so I could become a better person? What kind of person was I? What kind of person was he that he would do this to save his family?! I missed him all the more.

My family became curious about these walks as they heard from the neighbors where they saw me each day. They began to measure the different routes with the car. Some days I walked only a couple of miles. Many days it was 5 or 8. As time went on I was able to incorporate small shopping chores into my walks. My ex-husband had another young son and they thought that caring for him would help me. So we took Nathan’s things out of his unused crib and lowered the mattress for Colin. He went with me on my walks and I incorporated shopping bags, diapers, and an umbrella into the stroller. While he slept I meditated and prayed. And cried.